Have you allowed your tongue to put your marriage on life support? Maybe you are a Verbal Assassin.
Has your mouth gotten you in trouble? Is it killing your marriage? Do you keep saying the wrong things at the wrong time? Does your tongue kill instead of heal? Well, maybe you are guilty of being a Verbal Assassin.
What Is a Verbal Assassin?
Assassins are trained killers, responsible for the systematic elimination of opposing figures often for private gain or compensation. Unbeknownst to them, many verbal assassins have been involuntarily trained since childhood and naturally display their lethal abilities as adults.
Verbal assassins are vicious in their attacks. They are people with an unruly desire to seek and destroy anyone or anything in their path. Their talk is foul and filthy. Their tongues are loaded with lies. Everything they say carries the sting and poison of deadly intent. Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness. These assassins have a private arsenal of verbal weapons aimed at one single agenda: to steal, kill, and destroy a person’s joy, peace, self-worth, and life.
Their most common verbal assaults involve yelling, threatening, temper tantrums, name-calling, and constant criticism.
How to Recognize a Verbal Assassin
Verbal assassins are mean, belittling, critical, sarcastic, nagging, disrespectful, fault-finding, intimidating, sharp-tongued, offensive, cynical, and harsh. They specialize in tearing others down in order to build themselves up.
They are always on the defense — ready to fight or argue with anyone who challenges their worldview. They love to play devil’s advocate, even when they agree with you. Whatever you say, they will say the opposite. If you say “what a beautiful day it is today,” they will find a cloud in the sky and forecast rain.
They may not believe they are always right. However, they do believe that you are always wrong — and they will build a case to prove it.
Verbal Assassins are highly critical and judgmental. They ignore or degrade another person’s opinions, advice, or beliefs. They periodically create jokes about a person’s weak areas or shortcomings using sarcasm and cutting remarks. They subject others to long reprimanding lectures, treating them like children. And they are unwilling to admit they are wrong or apologize for the harm they cause.
How Verbal Assassins Are Made
Unbeknownst to them, many verbal assassins have been involuntarily trained since childhood. They grew up in environments where words were weapons — where criticism was constant, where harshness was modeled as strength, and where emotional safety was rare. As adults, they naturally display what they were taught, often without recognizing it as abusive behavior.
Most children were taught that “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.” Adulthood teaches us the very opposite. Sticks and stones will break your bones — but words can break something far deeper. Words can do what sticks and stones cannot.
Countless people have been wounded by words. Left scarred and fragmented emotionally, with little hope of recovery. Relationships have ended in breakups and divorce because of an unruly tongue.
The Damage a Verbal Assassin Does to a Marriage
People who are constantly around verbal assassins often feel like they must walk on eggshells to avoid a denigrating remark. They often feel that nothing they do is ever good enough because they are constantly reminded of their personal faults and flaws.
Verbal assassins believe they have been commissioned to find every possible thing wrong with you and reveal it in a harsh, cynical, attacking tone. They nitpick and find fault with insignificant things. They habitually invalidate every positive attribute you have, snatching the personal joy out of life.
Verbal Assassins are very poor listeners because whatever you have to say just doesn’t matter. Others verbally shut down because they are convinced they won’t be taken seriously and won’t be heard anyway. They are constantly cut off, interrupted, and verbally overshadowed.
Those who dwell amongst verbal assassins often feel humiliated, horrified, helpless, and hopeless. While the wound of a weapon may heal after a few weeks, verbal wounds cause deep, penetrating pain that can leave scars that last forever. Not only can such words wound — they can literally steal, kill, and destroy the life of a person.
Many people are haunted by the ghosts of negative words. Though some are far removed from such painful experiences, they still hear the piercing words that were cut into their souls and lodged into their spirits.
Unfortunately, many only associate abuse with physical or sexual harm. However, one of the hardest abuses to heal from is verbal abuse. It is a phantom abuse — seldom detected, rarely reported, and the crime least likely to be recognized for what it is.
Verbal Abuse Is Real Abuse
An unruly tongue often leads to abuse. Abuse is any behavior designed to control and subjugate another human being through fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assault. In physical battering, the weapons are fists. In psychological battering, the weapons are words. The only difference is the choice of weapon.
Verbal abuse has not received the attention it warrants, given how devastating it can be to a person’s mental health over time. To some, it is a game of wit — a chance for those who specialize in wicked words to display their craft and smugly laugh at the effect. Tragically, they do not realize that their tongues are quick enough to win a debate and lethal enough to destroy their opponent.
In fact, words are far more lethal than a gun. They bruise the soul and scar the spirit. After years of abuse, there are some who can still hear the piercing words that cut through every fabric of their being. Like ghosts, these words haunt you because they get lodged in your spirit.
How to Stop the Pattern Before It Destroys Your Marriage
Anyone who has fallen victim to a verbal assassin is in dire need of help. Not only must they undergo emotional healing — they must also commit to a process of spiritual, mental, psychological, and relational healing as well. For some, this may take months. For others, it may take years.
No matter how long your personal journey may be, healing is essential in order to truly recover and successfully move on with your life and your marriage.
And if you are the verbal assassin — the one whose mouth is doing the damage — recognizing the pattern is the first and most important step. The way you learned to communicate can be unlearned. But it requires honesty, accountability, and structured support to change a pattern that has likely been years in the making.
Destructive communication is one of the most common reasons couples end up in marriage crisis. It rarely starts as cruelty. It starts as a learned pattern — and learned patterns can be unlearned with the right structure and guidance.
If this article hit close to home, the next step is a confidential conversation about what your marriage actually needs. Couples Academy works with couples where communication has become a weapon rather than a bridge — and where both partners are ready to build something different.
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If communication breakdown is part of a larger pattern in your marriage, you may also want to read what happens when a marriage becomes time-starved — and how the Pettifords navigated it themselves.
Important Note: Couples Academy provides relationship coaching, marriage support, and educational resources. If you are experiencing verbal abuse, domestic violence, or a mental health emergency, please contact emergency services or a qualified crisis resource in your area.