Hasani Pettiford shares the principle he says changed his marriage — and the five practical ways to bring honor back into yours.
If you want to have a totally fulfilling relationship with your partner, discover the art of honor.
If I had to receive a report card to assess my performance as a husband in the early years of my marriage, I would be considered an underachiever. Like most men, I had absolutely no clue what it took to make a relationship work. Raw, untamed masculinity often creates hurt, pain, disrespect, and dishonor to the feminine soul. In fact, if dishonor was a course of study, I would have passed with flying colors.
What Honor in Marriage Actually Means
When partners look at each other, it’s all too easy to see only the irritating habits, the failures, the broken promises — and forget that beneath the tarnish, the pure steel is still intact. It didn’t occur to me that honor meant placing a high value on my wife and considering her needs and interests as important.
If we are to honor each other, we must learn to look past the weaknesses and affirm the value and inner beauty that resides within each of us. We must view our significant others as a precious commodity — much like a 100-carat diamond. When we do, our positive thoughts and feelings will increase. This is known as “confirmation bias” — an intentional search for evidence in your partner to support the feelings you hold in your heart for them.
However, beyond words and feelings, true honor is expressed in deeds and actions.
5 Ways to Bring Honor Back Into Your Marriage
If you want to know how to place honor back into your marriage, start here:
- Become a student of your partner. How can you honor someone without knowing how all the parts work — the hot buttons, preferences, loves, hates, joys, favorite everything, and pet peeves? Study your partner and create an instruction manual. Utilizing this vital information will allow you to become your partner’s “Lover’s Concierge” — and that brings honor into the relationship in a way that no grand gesture ever could.
- Do sweat the small stuff. Couples often make the mistake of thinking of honor as a focus on the big things they do for each other. But the big things do not make up for the little things we should be doing all the time. It can be as simple as cooking a favorite meal, making a needed household repair, or simply opening the door for your partner.
- Make yourself worthy of your partner’s best. Your investment in your own health, grooming, appearance, and energy reflects the value you place on your relationship. Taking care of yourself — your health, your vitality, your presence — is one of the most tangible ways you can show your partner that you value what you share together.
- List your mate’s positive qualities. Make a list of all the things you admire about your partner. Post it somewhere highly visible in your home where you and — more importantly — your partner can see it every day.
- Display your mate’s significance. Show your partner that their happiness is your highest priority. Welcome their thoughts. Display genuine interest. Interact from an attitude of gratitude.
These few tips on the value of honor are sure to reboot your relationship and send it on the path of recovery.
When Honor Is Missing From a Marriage
Dishonor does not always announce itself. It creeps in slowly — through words spoken in frustration, through habits of dismissal, through years of not seeing your partner the way you once did. Over time, the accumulated weight of small dishonorable moments can do as much damage as a single catastrophic event.
If communication has become a weapon in your marriage, this article on the Verbal Assassin pattern addresses exactly how that happens — and what to do about it.
Honor Is a Decision, Not a Feeling
Honor is not something you feel toward your partner when things are going well. It is a decision you make every day — especially on the days when you do not feel like it. That decision, made consistently over time, is what separates marriages that survive from marriages that thrive.
Hasani and Danielle Pettiford have spent 28 years helping couples rebuild the foundation of their relationship — starting with the principles Hasani admits he had to learn the hard way. If your marriage has lost the sense of honor and value that brought you together, the first step is a confidential conversation about what it needs now.
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Important Note
Couples Academy provides relationship coaching, marriage support, and educational resources. If you are in immediate danger, experiencing abuse, domestic violence, or a mental health emergency, please contact emergency services or a qualified crisis resource in your area.