Couples Academy Most Frequently-Asked Questions about Infidelity

Therapy, whether it is cognitive-behavior therapy, marriage counseling, couples therapy, or infidelity therapy, is meant to provide you with a safe environment for speaking. In most cases, you should feel compelled to be honest with your therapist and tell them things you can’t say to anyone else. Not only is your therapist bound by HIPAA laws, which protect your privacy, they will also need written consent to give anyone else access to your information.

The only time the confidentiality laws go out the window is when you are considering harming yourself or someone else.

You should tell your therapist about what you are feeling, even when difficult topics come up. Limiting what you say can detract from the session. So yes, it is best to tell your therapist everything you can—but only if you feel safe. There should never be a time you feel coerced to talk about something.

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Right now, learning that it takes an average of 2 to 5 years to get over the pain of infidelity may seem impossible. How could you ever get over such a betrayal? Yes, recovering from such a blow is going to take a long time, but there are actions, such as therapy, that can facilitate recovery and save your marriage. Keep in mind that, if you decide to work together to save the marriage, there are going to be a lot of ups and downs.

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Yes, emotional cheating counts as a betrayal of trust in a relationship. Although emotional cheating often looks and feels a lot like a friendship (minus the degradation of your connection to your partner), it is not. Emotional cheating essentially pulls your attention away from the relationship and makes it impossible to go any further or address issues.

Most of the time, emotional cheating begins as an escape from reality. You were having an argument with your partner and decided to tell your coworker that you are mildly attracted to and suddenly, there you are, in an emotionally charged relationship with someone else.

Even without the aspect of having sex with an outside individual, emotional cheating is still hurtful to your partner. If you are unhappy in your current relationship, it is better to talk about it and mutually end your commitment to one another instead of betraying your partner’s trust in such a way.

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How does a husband save a broken marriage after infidelity? With time and compassion. Hurting your partner and breaking your vows is going to put an inevitable strain on your marriage. Yet, if you make the right moves, go to therapy, and remain transparent and open with your spouse, you can recover.

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Being cheated on creates a reaction—one that is unique to everyone. Since people have different backgrounds, experiences, and perceptions, infidelity affects everyone differently. Some people may have better coping skills than others, too. For many people, being cheated on in a relationship or marriage is extremely distressing and traumatic. They may develop PTSD-like symptoms and paranoia, causing them to lose sleep and to ruminate constantly about the affair.

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Getting over your husband’s marriage is going to take a lot of work, especially if you decide to stay together. But there have been many married couples who surmount the pain of betrayal and survive infidelity. Now that you know that there is hope for your marriage, let’s discuss some ways to start working through the trauma.

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When an affair happens, it doesn’t end with separating from the outside person. For the wayward partner, there may be a sense of guilt and remorse for your actions. You understand that what you did was wrong, but you may also be confused. For those who have been betrayed, the revelation is akin to a bomb going off and leaving shrapnel everywhere. Infidelity causes pain that the unfaithful partner may not expect.

There will be grief, and the betrayed spouse may even get triggered in the future by certain memories or sights.

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Sugarcoating the truth will not make it any easier, so here it is: Affairs are not easy to get over. It takes years for couples to heal after one of them is unfaithful. In the beginning, when you are still processing the emotions following the discovery, you may regret staying with your spouse.

You may also be dealing with friends and family telling you conflicting information. “Go before they can do it again!” and “If they love you, things will change” are heard so often by those recovering from an affair.

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Infidelity therapy is a form of counseling that helps couples affected by infidelity work through the issue and evaluate their relationship. The therapist assists you and provides tools to help you and your partner communicate more effectively. As long as you agree that your relationship is worthwhile, you have everything you need to strengthen your bond and make use of infidelity counseling.

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Like a recovered alcoholic who runs back to the bottle when they hit rock bottom, people cheat because of their emotions. Emotional mood states often lead people in a relationship to be unfaithful. When you feel that your needs aren’t being met, you go looking for ways to satisfy them.

Emotions aren’t a way to absolve anyone of the trauma they caused by having an affair, but emotions do help us understand the why of the situation better. There are four main emotions associated with infidelity that are referred to by HALT:

• Hunger
• Anger
• Loneliness
• Tiredness

Let’s have a look at what contributes to HALT. Read the full article here!

Also known as long term infidelity, this is a kind of affair that lasts for about 15 months on average but may extend for years. Unlike a one night stand or even a round of cheating that lasts for a couple of months, a long term affair develops over time, just like a normal relationship. Therefore, when a long term affair is found out, both parties are devastated, uncertain, and sometimes angry with one another.

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Any form of marriage counseling is going to up your chances of surviving infidelity. That said, you and your partner are going to have to be committed to it for at least several visits. Recovering from infidelity isn’t a one-and-done deal.

Infidelity therapists will take you through phases of counseling that help both parties overcome the emotions they feel. They help you through PTSD, rebuild trust in one another, and teach you how to communicate more effectively.

Studies on the lasting effects of infidelity therapy have shown that couples who attend infidelity counseling have the same level of happiness and stability five years after their counseling as couples who never had an affair. Moreover, couples who visit marriage counseling after an affair have a reduced risk of psychological trauma.

Therefore, it is safe to say that talking to a therapist after an affair is the best way to save your marriage.

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You may realize that a friendship has gone too far and that you are emotionally cheating on your spouse. Or maybe, you have found out your partner is involved in an emotionally charged friendship with a colleague from work. Regardless, ending the emotional affair is going to be hard.

Emotional affairs happen because two people start sharing their emotions with one another, become comfortable, and start feeling attracted to each other in some way. Infatuation can lead to obsession. You start to imagine yourself sleeping with your friend instead of your romantic partner, and the chemistry between you only gets better with time.

A one night stand will leave you feeling wracked with guilt, but an emotional affair was never the product of a single night. Emotional cheating is gradual, slowly consuming your relationship. And that’s why it’s so challenging to end an emotional affair, because it’s based on a real transactional relationship.

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Professionals sometimes call the PTSD-like symptoms affecting the victims of an affair Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD). The condition has the same grip on you as PTSD, but one thing was noted to be different. With PISD, those who discovered the infidelity could end up with broken heart syndrome, or cardiomyopathy, which makes you feel like you’re having a heart attack.

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Let’s backpedal for a moment. Say you have children who understand the concept of marriage and monogamy. In this event, is it even okay to tell them that one parent betrayed the trust of the other? Should your hurt them with that terrible truth? Realize that you have already hurt your family. The moment one parent goes behind the backs of their spouse and children to have an extramarital affair, they have damaged the very foundations of that family.

There’s no going back. There’s only going forward, and you have to choose which sinking stone upon which to step.

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Coping with an affair isn’t easy. Learning that your beloved has been intimate with another is traumatizing. Therefore, the most important part of coping with an affair is to realize that none of the steps outlined below occur overnight. Nothing about dealing with something as jarring as your loved one betraying you disappears in the blink of an eye, and you aren’t expected to act like everything is peaches and cream.

Because, let’s face it, the affair was a result of something being off about your marriage.

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Before infidelity happens in a relationship, the warning signs are vague. You don’t rationalize how such a betrayal could happen until it does happen, because that is when you ask all the questions that start with why.

“Why did they do this? Why don’t they care about me? And why can’t they change?”

The truth is that infidelity—and the reasons for infidelity—occurs more often in relationships than you would want to believe. Usually, cheating happens when a person’s need for self-gratification outweighs their need for intimacy. When both self-gratification and intimacy have been lacking in a relationship, it’s even more fuel to fire to betray their partner.

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Mental illness affects millions of Americans and throughout the world. In 2019, there were over 51.5 million US adults impacted by some form of mental disorder. Some of these issues can be debilitating, including the nervous breakdown, also known as a mental breakdown.

A mental breakdown is much like anxiety, where you struggle to cope with stress and triggers and end up feeling extremely overwhelmed. Usually, mental breakdowns are partnered with unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as substance abuse and alcohol.

Every instance of “breaking” is unique and based on the individual’s stressors. And, if the infamous mental breakdowns of Britney Spears in 2007 and 2008 are any clue, many individuals end up hospitalized and in need of serious medical assistance.

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Yes, infidelity can be overcome if you and your partner both attend infidelity counseling or therapy. For most couples, infidelity comes with a lot of questions, most of them starting with the word why.

More often than not, that question why is where couples get stuck in the recovery process.

Rather than getting straight to the source, they start falling into a pit of despair that looks like:

• Why did they do this to me?
• Why don’t they love me?
• Why did they have to have sex with someone else?
• Why couldn’t they talk to me before this happened?

The reasons for infidelity are many, though none of them are justifiable. No matter how lonely you were, how bored with the marriage you had become, or how angry you were with your partner, infidelity is never the answer.

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Yes, you can save a relationship after one of you cheats. The key to whether a relationship goes back to normal is how much you believe in it. Do you truly think the relationship is worth saving? If you both have faith that things can be rebuilt if you’re both willing to work on the faults in yourselves and the relationships, then there is nothing you can’t accomplish together.

But you shouldn’t think of it as “going back to normal.” This phrasing tends to trick you into repeating the past mistakes. Your focus from here on out should be overcoming the obstacles that got you to cheating in the first place.

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Yes, you can save a relationship after one of you cheats. The key to whether a relationship goes back to normal is how much you believe in it. Do you truly think the relationship is worth saving? If you both have faith that things can be rebuilt if you’re both willing to work on the faults in yourselves and the relationships, then there is nothing you can’t accomplish together.

But you shouldn’t think of it as “going back to normal.” This phrasing tends to trick you into repeating the past mistakes. Your focus from here on out should be overcoming the obstacles that got you to cheating in the first place.

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Now that you know some of the reasons why an affair comes to an end, let’s talk about what happens when it does end. There are often three routes that unfold:

• Divorce
• Recommitment
• Lies to keep the affair hidden

Each of these have their advantages and disadvantages.

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Deciding between either relationship is painful. It’s challenging. You hope that both partners would be able to see it your way, but that isn’t reality. After all, this decision won’t affect just you, your spouse, and your affair partner. It affects your whole family, the work place, friendships, and so much more.

No, you can’t have both. You are going to need to make a decision—and soon.

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After discovering an affair, you might feel like you have a raw wound in your chest that refuses to heal. It’s normal to be confused, to not know what step to take next. In the past, before your partner cheated, the thought of leaving them automatically was easy. But now?

It’s important to understand that the hurt will never go away 100%. You might struggle with the emotions and the concept of forgiveness for weeks, months, or years. But married couples who work on it can recover from broken trust. The relationship doesn’t have to end. Not if you don’t want it to.

See the act of infidelity as a chance to come together, work on your marriage, and make your relationship stronger than ever before. If both parties are willing to mend the marriage, you can thrive together like never before.

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Depending on the marriage as it is, it might not survive. This is a hard thing to swallow at times, especially if you have been trying to make it work. Keep in mind that a long term affair often means this isn’t just two of you. There’s the affair partner to consider and how they feel.

Long term affairs are so devastating to marriages, because it often means that the unfaithful spouse has feelings for their affair partner. It means they have a life together, too. It might not be as complete as the marriage, but they have spent years together.

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Guilt is a sense of sadness or remorse over a past action that is most often experienced when you think you have done something wrong. That wrong could be someone or in the sense of breaking the law. This is why many individuals who have had an affair wind up feeling guilty. Not only did they go beyond the marriage and become physically or emotionally invested in another person, they also hurt their loved ones.

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Having a work spouse can also be considered cheating when your wife at home finds out and feels you have crossed the line. Keep in mind that people have their own ideas about the nature of cheating or infidelity. What you may feel is normal could prompt anger and upset in your spouse.

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Also known as emotional cheating or an emotionally charged friendship, an affair of this kind is defined as a person feeling closer to someone outside of their current relationship than they do to their partner. Because of this intense physical connection, an individual may begin to feel chemistry and physical attraction to this “friend.” The result is less energy given to your partner or spouse and more to someone else.

The defining factor is how much you think about the other person compared to your partner, as well as the level of transparency you have about this emotionally charged friendship.

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Emotional cheating is difficult, because it’s not going to feel like cheating at first. The relationship is going to feel like speaking with a best friend. However, emotional cheating becomes wrong when the energy you once invested in maintaining your relationship or marriage is redirected to this other individual. Eventually, your bond with your partner or spouse suffers, and you begin questioning the validity of your relationship.

Emotional cheating isn’t friendship. There are inherent boundaries with friendship. Yes, friendships can be more deep and fulfilling than others, but they don’t carry the same weight as emotional cheating.

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Can an emotional affair, where sexual intimacy rarely happens, count as cheating? Yes, it certainly can. Because of the way an emotional affair evolves, those involved may withdraw farther and farther from their partner. This withdrawal includes a lack of intimacy and passion. Soon, the emotional affair impacts everything due to the dependency of those having the affair experience.

Discovering this kind of relationship between your spouse and someone else can be appalling and heart-wrenching. After all, a marriage or relationship is more than a physical commitment of monogamy. You’re supposed to share your heart, to be able to communicate with one another.

The emotional connection between two people can be just as strong—if not stronger—than a physical one. For that reason, when your spouse’s attention is drawn to another, leaving you neglected, it is undoubtedly emotional cheating.

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Now that you know what an emotional affair looks like, it’s time to discuss how these affairs happen. As mentioned earlier, this kind of infidelity is on the rise, and so you might not know what is happening until it’s too late.

The following behaviors are how emotional affairs start:

1. Talking About Emotions With Someone Else

Talking to someone who is 100% invested in what you’re saying always feels good. You get a little jolt of happiness when they nod along. But what if this person isn’t your spouse or partner? What if it’s a coworker, gym friend, or online pal?

Confiding in other people is fine, but if you start to rely on that person and notice yourself slipping away from your partner, you’re treading dangerous waters. It is best to step back.

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Although physical intimacy is rarely involved in emotional adultery, such an affair can be damaging to a relationship. Some may even feel that being emotionally cheated on is worse than a sexual one because it means that the partner having the affair is way more emotionally invested in the extramarital relationship.

Many states, like California, legally recognize this and allow for couples to file divorce after an emotional affair. Others, like Maryland, call it constructive desertion. Then there are some places like that do not allow for divorce solely over an emotional affair.

But should an emotional affair be grounds for divorce? Not always.

There are deciding factors that can help you decide whether to stay or leave a marriage. Dealing with the affair quickly is essential. The first thing you must address is that deciding on divorce isn’t easy, and you should wait for some of the immediate emotion to dissipate before deciding what to do.

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Cheating is purely sexual, right? Turns out, there are instances when it isn’t a physical thing. You don’t need to have a sexual encounter, be it in real-life or online, to cheat on your partner or spouse. All you need is to breach their trust in some way; sometimes, though, that breach is difficult to spot, even in yourself. When infidelity is based on an emotional connection, it’s known as emotional infidelity or emotional cheating. And it can be as equally bad as a physical affair.

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The unfaithful partner is devoting their time and energy to someone else, thereby neglecting their marriage or relationship. People may crave physical touch, but it’s the emotional connection that truly kindles passion and love. While physical attraction fizzles out quickly, emotions run deep.

The signs of an emotional affair alone can prove how much of an impact this kind of betrayal has on a relationship. What starts as a friendship quickly snowballs into late-night conversations that leave the other spouse alone in bed. Details are overshared with the other person, while you barely speak to your partner. The problems in the marriage or relationship are exacerbated by the distractions and withdrawal caused by the emotional affair.

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If you’re worried that your relationship is never going to be the same, you’re right. But not in the way that you think. Emotional affairs exhume a lot of issues within your relationship, along with an unfathomable amount of pain. Right now, you’re understandably angry, hurt, and stressed.

Moving past an emotional affair is going to be a challenge. The biggest hurdle is ending the affair. Unfortunately, even if you uncovered the emotional affair, you can’t be the one to end it. Only your wife can sever the ties and agree to move on.

Make sure that she does four things:

1. Admits to what she has done
2. Stops the emotional affair
3. Sets up boundaries between her and the other individual, be they an online contact, coworker, or another connection
4. Promise to reinvest in the marriage

The last one is incredibly important. You can’t move on together without this promise. Once your wife has done that vital step, you are ready to move forward with the following.

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There is no feeling that compares to the ones that arise when you think, “My marriage is over.” Discovering an affair or having it admitted to you is as devastating as the epiphany that the passion you shared with your partner might be gone forever.

Any roadblock in a marriage can be debilitating—but they can also be overcome with some work. Unfortunately, being caught up in your emotions can cast an invisibility cloak over the possibilities. You don’t see the opportunity to strengthen the relationship.

Can therapy help you decide if you want to stay in your marriage? Yes, it certainly can.

Visiting a therapist is nothing to be ashamed about, especially since they can work with you alone or with your partner and help you both strengthen your marriage.

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In 2013, a sociologist named Jean Duncombe researched the affect of infidelity on the children of unfaithful parents. Duncombe found that many parents who have an affair tend to overlook the impact infidelity has on the kids. Some people even said that the children are far too young or too oblivious to realize what is going on.

However, evidence from Duncombe’s research told a different story. The children of these unfaithful and broken marriages ended growing up with seriously dismal beliefs. For starters, they believed that their parents were also unfaithful to them. Children who had parents who betrayed one another ended up feeling abandoned, and their performance in school dropped.

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Marriages bring about numerous issues. Some of those problems can be resolved without ever needing the assistance of a counselor or therapist. Infidelity isn’t one of them. You will need to talk to one another more than you ever have before if you want to take back a cheating spouse and never have to deal with this cheating problem again.

Infidelity counseling can do several things for your relationship. First, you can speak with the therapist alone, giving them insight into your partner’s behavior and the health of your marriage. They might see red flags that you don’t. Furthermore, they can help you both talk about the affair with more ease.

In the end, you could figure out that taking a cheating spouse back is a terrible idea. Or, you may opt to stick together, working through the aftermath of an affair together.

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First and foremost, if the affair is still ongoing despite the discovery or admission, there is a problem. An ongoing affair means that your spouse is still betraying you. There is no reason to forgive someone for such behavior while it is ongoing, because it is disrespectful and unjustifiable.

In order to heal from the trauma, your spouse must call off the affair and show remorse for what they have done. Should they lack any sense of guilt and refuse to be honest about the affair, you do not have to forgive them. Forgiveness begins when the affair is over and when your spouse commits to healing the wounds they have given you.

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